No, I’m not experiencing withdrawal from soap operas. There’s no such thing, in my opinion. I mean, I can go 6 months without watching Days of Our Lives and be caught up on everything again within a week.
The withdrawal I’m going through is from nicotine. And holy fucking shit, I’m stabby. Really, really stabby. This time, it’s going to be permanent. I ran out of smokes last night with $10 in my purse to last us until next Thursday. We checked the gas gauge in the car, pissed away the money on horribly unhealthy fast food that was ohsovery delicious, and I smoked the last of my cigarettes after cleaning the house. Since I’m broke for the next week, I figure this is the perfect time to just deal with the bitchiness and the depression and the insomnia and quit smoking for good.
Have I mentioned lately that this shit is fucking hard? This is why it took me so long to start smoking the first place— I just don’t have the balls to live through getting over an addiction. Fuuuuuuuuuuuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
I’ll work on my other bad habits after this one is out of my system. You know, once I can go 5 minutes without thinking about how much I want a fucking cigarette.
Anyway. I’ve been distracting myself with soap operas. Why, you ask? Because reality TV tries too hard, and because I need to be watching Days when they finally get their heads out of their asses and bring back Dr. Mike. And you know what? I’ve learned a few things while trying to figure out who the hell all these random people are.
1. Carly’s suicide would make an awesome storyline.
I know, that sounds really fucking mean, but let’s just pretend that’s the rebellious, pissed off addict in me talking. Seriously though? I don’t want to see a soap-opera-riffic intervention, or watch her find love (and Jesus, let’s not forget Jesus) in rehab. Fuck that. I want to see her give into the pressures of being ugly, alone, and second best to the Horton women in the eyes of… everyone.
I hope she gives me a shout-out in the suicide note. “Cyberhomewrecker” would be sufficient.
2. This whole multi-generational cast thing they’re trying to cash in on?
Really fucking stupid. It was bad enough with Victor and Stefano constantly trying to outdo each other. Who wants to watch geriatric fucking gangsters? But add in a “sisterhood moment” with Julie and Maggie and you’ve lost me. As for the teenage storylines– if they’re going for realistic, they’re failing miserably. These kids don’t spend nearly enough time texting, ignoring everything around them, and making ironic comments that they think are entertaining when in actuality they just need to shut the fuck up. Granted, I don’t know much about what’s going on because they don’t show the teens very often, but still. Cut the crap and bring back Dr. Mike.
3. Jennifer is a fucking douchenozzle. She comes off as that annoying friend who you hold on to and invite to things because she’d do anything for you if you needed her to, and because of that you’d feel guilty cutting her off. She is a great person, and that’s her downfall. She’s a Horton, and she’s Dr. Mike’s little sister (I like her because she’s one of very few women on the show that I know for sure won’t be found in bed with my future husband). She’s holier than thou, but she doesn’t have that attitude about her. She has that whole “I genuinely want to help you just for the sake of making the world a better place” attitude.
It makes me fucking puke. I mean, how am I supposed to live up to that when she’s my sister in law after I marry Dr. Mike? With lots of fucking nicotine, that’s how.
Then there are the questions. So many fucking questions. The most important one, of course, is:
When is this show going to get interesting again?
The easy answer to that would be “whenever they can get Mike to come back.”
In the meantime, they should really work on answering my other questions.
Who the fuck is Dario, and why should I care?
How many siblings does Rafe have?
Why did EJ and Nicole ever get back together?
Can I see EJ naked?
What’s Jensen Ackles up to nowadays? Any chance he could come back?
Since when does Vivian have a son? And why the fuck is he Australian?
Sometimes, I get a strange tingly feeling in my lady parts. What causes it, and how can I fix it?
Need another writer for Days of Our Lives? Cause I need a fucking job, and you need some new storylines. Just saying.
Psssh, I bet you thought that after a month of not blogging, I’d come back with something interesting. Ha, right. I’ll try to stay away from my blog in my withdrawal-induced craziness, but I guarantee nothing.
Ok, it’s official. Well, almost. I have 14 cigarettes left, and after they’re gone, I’m done. That should happen sometime tomorrow afternoon.
The withdrawl-induced freakout should commence roughly 24 hours after I smoke my last one. The longest I’ve been able to go before I start scouring every conceivable crevice for loose change is 48 hours.
So yeah… we’ll see how it goes this time.
I apologize in advance for the bitchy. But I’ve been smoking for 3 years, 3 months, and 3 days… it’s kind of poetic that I’ll be able to say that when anyone asks how long I smoked. I just don’t want to do it anymore, ya know?
Haha, nice. I had to type that last sentence twice to get “don’t” in there.
I can think of lots of reasons why I shouldn’t smoke- money, health, social pariah, etc.- but the bottom line is, idontwantit. I don’t want to worry about getting a pack when we’re running low on cash, I don’t want to always be the one who’s sneaking off to have a few puffs, and it would be nice if this yellow spot on the side of my right middle finger would go away.
Sooooo… the rest of this week should be interesting.
You’ve been part of my life for almost three years now. That first day, I didn’t realize how much I’d come to depend on you. At first, I was just using you to get through a rough time. When that rough time was finally over, I found that I still loved you. I loved you because you had been there for me through thick and thin. You weren’t just a crutch; you became a friend.
Everyone told me I had to give you up. That you were doing more harm than good. I knew that, but I wouldn’t listen to them. They didn’t realize that was what I wanted… a means to an end. I kept you around to spite them, but also because I had forgotten how to live without you. I didn’t want to live without you. You gave me a reason, an excuse. You gave me what I needed.
You’re killing me. Slowly. Every day, you steal more time from my life. I love you so much, but you repay me with poison. Why can’t you love me the way I love you?
I’ve thought about giving you up. Time and again, I’ve told myself that I need to be done with you. But I can’t do it. I can’t kick you out of my life as easily as I thought I could. I fear I’ll be stuck with you for the rest of my life, and that fear comforts me. If I didn’t have you, what else would I have?
Some days, I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel, and I hate that I’ve become a slave to you. But that hatred isn’t enough. You always make me come back, somehow. I can hear you screaming my name, and I can’t deny you. I need you.
I wonder sometimes if the sacrifice I’ve made for you will be worth it in the end. I remember what my life was like before you, and I want that back. Things weren’t as complicated before you came into my life. You’ve thrown me into an abyss, and both sides are equally hard to climb.
I could give you up, and live for many more years with an empty place where you used to be.
I could keep coming back to you, and have less time. But the time I had would be filled with contentment.
I don’t want that empty place. I want you, no matter what the cost.
And for now, that cost is $5 per pack. And higher insurance premiums.
I just have absolutely no desire to quit smoking.