No, I’m not experiencing withdrawal from soap operas. There’s no such thing, in my opinion. I mean, I can go 6 months without watching Days of Our Lives and be caught up on everything again within a week.
The withdrawal I’m going through is from nicotine. And holy fucking shit, I’m stabby. Really, really stabby. This time, it’s going to be permanent. I ran out of smokes last night with $10 in my purse to last us until next Thursday. We checked the gas gauge in the car, pissed away the money on horribly unhealthy fast food that was ohsovery delicious, and I smoked the last of my cigarettes after cleaning the house. Since I’m broke for the next week, I figure this is the perfect time to just deal with the bitchiness and the depression and the insomnia and quit smoking for good.
Have I mentioned lately that this shit is fucking hard? This is why it took me so long to start smoking the first place— I just don’t have the balls to live through getting over an addiction. Fuuuuuuuuuuuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
I’ll work on my other bad habits after this one is out of my system. You know, once I can go 5 minutes without thinking about how much I want a fucking cigarette.
Anyway. I’ve been distracting myself with soap operas. Why, you ask? Because reality TV tries too hard, and because I need to be watching Days when they finally get their heads out of their asses and bring back Dr. Mike. And you know what? I’ve learned a few things while trying to figure out who the hell all these random people are.
1. Carly’s suicide would make an awesome storyline.
I know, that sounds really fucking mean, but let’s just pretend that’s the rebellious, pissed off addict in me talking. Seriously though? I don’t want to see a soap-opera-riffic intervention, or watch her find love (and Jesus, let’s not forget Jesus) in rehab. Fuck that. I want to see her give into the pressures of being ugly, alone, and second best to the Horton women in the eyes of… everyone.
I hope she gives me a shout-out in the suicide note. “Cyberhomewrecker” would be sufficient.
2. This whole multi-generational cast thing they’re trying to cash in on?
Really fucking stupid. It was bad enough with Victor and Stefano constantly trying to outdo each other. Who wants to watch geriatric fucking gangsters? But add in a “sisterhood moment” with Julie and Maggie and you’ve lost me. As for the teenage storylines– if they’re going for realistic, they’re failing miserably. These kids don’t spend nearly enough time texting, ignoring everything around them, and making ironic comments that they think are entertaining when in actuality they just need to shut the fuck up. Granted, I don’t know much about what’s going on because they don’t show the teens very often, but still. Cut the crap and bring back Dr. Mike.
3. Jennifer is a fucking douchenozzle. She comes off as that annoying friend who you hold on to and invite to things because she’d do anything for you if you needed her to, and because of that you’d feel guilty cutting her off. She is a great person, and that’s her downfall. She’s a Horton, and she’s Dr. Mike’s little sister (I like her because she’s one of very few women on the show that I know for sure won’t be found in bed with my future husband). She’s holier than thou, but she doesn’t have that attitude about her. She has that whole “I genuinely want to help you just for the sake of making the world a better place” attitude.
It makes me fucking puke. I mean, how am I supposed to live up to that when she’s my sister in law after I marry Dr. Mike? With lots of fucking nicotine, that’s how.
Then there are the questions. So many fucking questions. The most important one, of course, is:
When is this show going to get interesting again?
The easy answer to that would be “whenever they can get Mike to come back.”
In the meantime, they should really work on answering my other questions.
Who the fuck is Dario, and why should I care?
How many siblings does Rafe have?
Why did EJ and Nicole ever get back together?
Can I see EJ naked?
What’s Jensen Ackles up to nowadays? Any chance he could come back?
Since when does Vivian have a son? And why the fuck is he Australian?
Sometimes, I get a strange tingly feeling in my lady parts. What causes it, and how can I fix it?
Need another writer for Days of Our Lives? Cause I need a fucking job, and you need some new storylines. Just saying.
Psssh, I bet you thought that after a month of not blogging, I’d come back with something interesting. Ha, right. I’ll try to stay away from my blog in my withdrawal-induced craziness, but I guarantee nothing.
My boyfriend is dead.
He’s not the first, either.
Well, wait… maybe he is. I’ve had so many over the years that I can’t keep track of them all. Remember my love letter to Ike, the pirate/cowboy who didn’t say a word?
I’m taking the devastation pretty well. After all, I only had a short time of loving him before he passed. I’m disappointed in myself for being angry at him when he died, though. See, he was inamored with another girl, and he died trying to protect her.
Poetic, isn’t it?
He took a bullet to the left side of his lower chest. If modern medicine had been available, I know he would have pulled through. He may have still had a tough road to recovery, but he would have made it. But he was shot in the mid-1800s, and all they could do was make him as comfortable as possible and sit with him while his life wasted away.
You know what really hurts, though? My husband knew that Ike’s death was imminent, and he knew how much I cared for the quiet cowboy. Still, he refused to tell me that Ike was going to die soon. I’m angry– maybe knowing that he would die would have softened the blow. However, my last moments with Ike weren’t tainted with his impending death, and there’s comfort in that. I suppose I’ll never know which way of knowing was better, being surprised or learning of his death before it happened.
I’ll miss him, as I’ve missed all the other boyfriends I’ve lost.
There was Jake Fox, who was traded from the Cubs shortly after I fell in love with him. When I set my sights on Ryan Theriot next, he was traded as well.
Then there was Tony Romo, my quarterback husband who sustained a season-ending injury as I declared my never-ending love for him during the 3rd game of the season.
I’ll never forget Eric Brady, the man who took Dr. Mike’s place in my heart after he was gone with Carrie. Eric was sweet and handsome, and he took his shirt off just often enough… But then he was written off Days of Our Lives as well.
I fear I may be responsible for the demise of all these men… They seem to go away as soon as I declare my love for them. I should probably just keep my feelings to myself, but what’s the point in that? Besides, Ike’s fate had been decided 20 years before I admitted my feelings for him.
I’ll never stop falling in love with these ideal men who inhabit my dreams. I can only revel in what we have while it lasts, and remember them all fondly when they’re gone.
Dear Dr. Mike:
I’d tell you that I love you, but you already know that. You’ve known that since I was 14. I’m pretty sure you inspired me to record Days every day starting in junior high… I just couldn’t stand to miss a second of you onscreen. I put up with all the other storylines (although if I remember correctly, they had some pretty good ones going then) just so I could see you. Those blue eyes broke my heart and made me smile all at the same time.
As much as I loved you, I always wanted you to be with Carrie. It was obvious that you wouldn’t be happy with anyone but her. Above all else, I wanted you to be happy. I didn’t want to see that indescribable look in your eyes that came every time she let you down. You never pressured her to leave Austin, though. You just weren’t that kind of guy, and I loved that about you.
I remember tearing up whenever you were upset. To me, that’s always been the telltale sign that I’m in love. You hurt, I cry. I thought that if I could just be there for you, be the friend who was always waiting for you in the shadows, I could somehow steal your heart from her. We’ll never know what might have been…
I vowed never to watch Days again when you left. What was the point? Sure, there was Eric Brady, but he just wasn’t you. The show kept me sucked in, though, and I was watching this summer when you came back for a few episodes. I know you’re busy with the new TV show now, but maybe if that comes to an end you could come back to Days. Or maybe you could just be on every now and then… after all, Jen needs her brother right now. And I need a reason to start watching again.
I just can’t let go of you. I still recall the scene in that barn after you and Carrie were in an accident… you took care of her and spilled your heart out to her, and she didn’t hear any of it. I wished you had been talking to me.
I don’t deny that my love for you classifies me as crazy. Hell, I’ve held a flame for a fictional character for over 10 years. I just can’t get over you. When I finally finish Finding Home and make it into a movie, you’re going to be my first choice to play Johnny.
I’ll always love you, Mike. No matter what.
P.S. My husband is fully aware that I would leave him for you. Just so you know.