How do I say goodbye?Posted: January 11, 2011
You’ve been part of my life for almost three years now. That first day, I didn’t realize how much I’d come to depend on you. At first, I was just using you to get through a rough time. When that rough time was finally over, I found that I still loved you. I loved you because you had been there for me through thick and thin. You weren’t just a crutch; you became a friend.
Everyone told me I had to give you up. That you were doing more harm than good. I knew that, but I wouldn’t listen to them. They didn’t realize that was what I wanted… a means to an end. I kept you around to spite them, but also because I had forgotten how to live without you. I didn’t want to live without you. You gave me a reason, an excuse. You gave me what I needed.
You’re killing me. Slowly. Every day, you steal more time from my life. I love you so much, but you repay me with poison. Why can’t you love me the way I love you?
I’ve thought about giving you up. Time and again, I’ve told myself that I need to be done with you. But I can’t do it. I can’t kick you out of my life as easily as I thought I could. I fear I’ll be stuck with you for the rest of my life, and that fear comforts me. If I didn’t have you, what else would I have?
Some days, I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel, and I hate that I’ve become a slave to you. But that hatred isn’t enough. You always make me come back, somehow. I can hear you screaming my name, and I can’t deny you. I need you.
I wonder sometimes if the sacrifice I’ve made for you will be worth it in the end. I remember what my life was like before you, and I want that back. Things weren’t as complicated before you came into my life. You’ve thrown me into an abyss, and both sides are equally hard to climb.
I could give you up, and live for many more years with an empty place where you used to be.
I could keep coming back to you, and have less time. But the time I had would be filled with contentment.
I don’t want that empty place. I want you, no matter what the cost.
And for now, that cost is $5 per pack. And higher insurance premiums.
I just have absolutely no desire to quit smoking.